Practiced regularly, these steps will soon become routine.
Then you will find "The Marriage Spirit."
Renew Reverence
You need to recapture that falling-in-love experience. Set up a regular period of "haven time" in which neither party is allowed to carp or criticize. Instead, talk about what you value in each other. Keep a "gratitude log," listing the qualities you are grateful for in your partner.
Find Your Spiritual Selves
In a notebook, keep track of when your ego--your selfish self--shows up. Take note of all negative, pessimistic, blaming or judgmental thoughts. At the end of the week, take turns sharing what you have both written. Merely witness. Do not judge.
Shed Your Old Images
First, record your images of yourself--for example, perhaps you see yourself as "not good enough," or think you're "brilliant." (It doesn't matter whether the image is positive or negative: both keep you caught in a cycle of hope and disappointment.) Now write your images of your partner and those you believe he has of you. Then, find a place where the two of you can be alone. Hold hands and gaze at each other. Consciously try to see each other with none of these images.
Drain Off Accumulated Anger
Unresolved anger builds walls of hostility, brick by brick. Knock them down with the "as if" technique: act the way you would toward someone you respect deeply. No shouting, name-calling or cursing. No bringing up the past. Spend two hours each weekend doing something you both enjoy. Create quiet time and simply remember that your marriage is a sacred place.
Re-establish Trust
Find at least one uninterrupted hour. Write down these six areas of trust: sexual faithfulness; freedom from fear of harm or control from your partner; the knowledge that your marriage is a priority; love without ulterior motives; freedom from fear of abandonment; trust in your own trustworthiness. Write down how you and your partner measure up in each. Share your observations, and vow to strengthen your trust in all areas.
Embrace The Trust
By ending defensiveness, truth creates freedom. Be reliable in what you say. Never deceive your partner. Abstain from slanderous speech. Be gentle. Be courteous. Aim for integrity in thought, speech and action.
Strive For Soul-Centered Love
We all want to know we are fully loved and accepted. We all know that children need--and deserve--such love, but as adults we pretend to be satisfied with less. Banish all negative thoughts. Empty your mind of images of yourself and your partner. Say "I love you," and mean it. Frequently.
Soul-centered love is also passionate love. Paradoxically, only if we understand that passion is ultimately a spiritual connection can we keep physical passion kindled.
* The way to be receptive and attentive as a lover is to focus fully and completely on the now. Do not think of any other moment.
* Lovemaking does not begin and end in the bedroom. Think about the larger connection that lovemaking has. Do not think of it as "doing to" or "getting from."
* Forget what the media tells you about great sex. All that stuff is exaggerated, and you will only feel inadequate. Your lovemaking is unique to you as a couple, and that's what makes it special.
* Keep your ego out of the bedroom. Do not criticize your partner's sexual behavior or your own. Let go of these thoughts. If you are consistently dissatisfied, seek professional help.
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